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Satire:
FDA Approves New Drug for Treatment of Brown's Grass Disease
Satire:
Researchers from Southern Duke University have discovered a new
treatment for Brown's Grass Disease, which is a disease
characterized by grass turning brown. This disease is most prevalent
in the southern climates where rainfall is diminished. The new
treatment has been championed by a pharmaceutical
company which has issued a new yard drug called Pigment Max. The
drug Pigment Max has been tested on over 1,000 batches of grass that
were suffering from Brown's Grass Disease and was found to reverse
the symptoms of the disease, making the grass appear green.
Dr.
Rick Johnson from Southern Duke University led the research and said,
"We've discovered that Brown's Grass Disease is caused by a
change in the chemical pigmentation of the blades of grass found in
the lawns. This pigmentation is clearly a chemical balance that must
be corrected with the appropriate pharmaceuticals, and Pigment Max
has been found to be the perfect pharmaceutical for treating Brown's
Grass Disease."
Samples
of Pigment Max are now being distributed by its maker to lawn
doctors around the country, who will soon be prescribing Pigment Max
to homeowners in large quantities. Pigment Max can be safely spread
on lawns and even introduced into the water supply, so that lawns
are automatically dosed with Pigment Max in order to prevent Brown's
Grass Disease. Many lawn doctors have signed up to promote the new
drug, Pigment Max, even going so far as to state that they plan to
use Pigment Max on their own lawns for as long as they live.
Doctors
are clearly convinced of the value of Pigment Max: "The
scientific studies show a direct link between chemical imbalances
and loss of green pigmentation in grass," said one
sponsoring doctor, "And Pigment Max is the only drug I know
of that can correct this imbalance."
While
sales of Pigment Max are expected to reach $2.2 billion over the
next 5 years due to a massive wave of popularity about the promising
drug, not everyone agrees that Pigment Max is needed. One noted lawn
nutritionist has
pointed out that these lawns simply need water, not drugs, and if
given water they would turn green all by themselves. The
nutritionist has been pronounced a "quack" by the
community of lawn doctors, and the FDA has threatened to pursue
criminal charges against the nutritionist for practicing medicine
without a license by recommending the use of water as a medical
treatment. In his own defense, the nutritionist stated, "It
seems quite clear that these brown lawns are simply suffering from dehydration.
It is well known throughout the world that simply watering the lawns
will make them appear green, thereby reversing Brown's Grass Disease."
In
rebuttal, Dr. David Goodman, who is also featured in promotional
literature distributed by the maker of Pigment Max, stated, "There
is absolutely no scientific evidence whatsoever that water or any
other alternative therapy can treat Brown's Grass Disease. This
disease is a clinical chemical imbalance, and the scientific
evidence clearly shows that Pigment Max is the only effective
treatment for reversing Brown's Grass Disease. It is also the only
treatment that has been approved by the FDA."
In
related news, Walgreen's
stores have stated they will start carrying Pigment Max and
promoting it to homeowners and commercial accounts. They expect
Pigment Max to be a best-seller in the years ahead, perhaps equaling
the sales revenue generated from antidepressant drugs.
Overview:
Source:
http://www.newstarget.com
www.vitamor.com
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